Birthday Blog

Young me!

Happy Birthday to me. Wow, it's a while since 1961, and so far it's been amazing, surprising and at times a dark and challenging journey. I'm glad to report that I am happier than I have ever been today thanks to the fact that I will soon be celebrating (on September 25th) 10 years since I was 'born again'. I have a brand of happiness deep within that comes from God. It's so different from the party high happiness of my teenage days and into my thirties where I was up and down like a rollercoaster and my state of mind was dependent on external things. With God - He is the same everyday, His Holy Spirit lives in me, and my value is a given through Him. .. 'the joy of the Lord is our strength' Nehemiah 8:10

At the moment I am enjoying 'scoping' (broadcasting from a mobile phone), and my account is www.periscope.tv/vivianwade Through scoping I have connected with an awesome group called Perisisters in Christ. www.perisistersinchrist.com . The group has been going a couple of months, one of the founding perisisters is Kim Cash Tate www.kimcashtate.com. Kim scopes every weekday in the morning (in the US) - I listen at 3pm here - and it's a wonderful bible class - in scoping world a #devoscope. We have themes and this week's has been 'pursuit'. Up to now we've had seasons, courage, soldier. Each week's theme has really spoken to me and I have a real sense of growing in God.

As we have been thinking about 'pursuit' I have had a revelation about what pursuing God diligently and earnestly actually means. In the world - one I very much grew up in - all about achieving and striving ( I went to Cambridge University - and there were expectations....) the word pursuit, the act of pursuing, at first made me think of running about chasing after something. Quite often like the proverbial headless chicken. Also, because of my bipolar diagnosis - it's not hard for me to build up steam running about firing on all cylinders. But, and it's a big BUT, God has revealed to me this week, that 'pursuing' Him, the one who is in me, is about settling down, getting quiet and being with Him. Psalm 46:10 'Be still,and know that I am God' and 1Kings 19:11-12..those beautiful verses about hearing from God through a 'still, small voice'.

At the beginning of the week I was thinking about pursuit and about pursuing God - and His purpose for my life. As I was taking one of my regular prayer walks with our little dog Pete, I looked at the trees swaying effortlessly in the breeze. I reflected on how the natural world lives out its purpose - knowing what to do and when to do it. I know that's how God wants us to live - easily - yoked to Him, in obedience to Him, and He'll lead us and direct our steps. It's a blessed relief to stop striving, to let go and let God. My prayer is to walk with Him in the way Jesus puts it in Matthew 11:28-30 'Come to me,all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.'

All these beautiful pictures were taken by my 14 year old son Dylan

Reflecting on 9/11

My strange memories of 9/11 are because on September 11th, 2001, I was in a rather different scary place to the rest of the world. I was sectioned (legally held for my own safety) in a psychiatric unit.  Just a few days earlier on the 8th of September I had 'celebrated' my 40th birthday with a huge party. My mental health had been gradually deteriorating for a couple of months as my stress levels (completely self-inflicted) over arrangements had been mounting. I was taken away in the middle of the party, before the fireworks my sister and brother-in-law had paid for as a gift to me, and before the end of the night had been admitted to a psychiatric unit.

Within a few days the unit at the Borders General Hospital had been unable to cope with the extent of my illness. I was transferred by ambulance to the intensive care psychiatric unit in Edinburgh, an hour drive from our home. I have no memory at all of that transfer or of much of those early days of my inpatient stay. The ICPU was a horrendous place. It was the most depressing, dilapidated environment a person could find themselves in. It served inedible food. I didn't eat partly because I thought someone was trying to poison me - but also because it was revolting. I lost 3 stone in weight in a few weeks ( the only good thing to happen in that time - needless to say all and more piled back on afterwards).  I was so unwell with bipolar, (the story of my diagnosis is documented to some extent in earlier blogs) that my psychiatrist thought, in his words, relayed to my husband, that my head 'had gone and was never coming back'.

In the unit where I was sectioned,  the televisions were constantly on. One was usually on a children's TV channel but others were permanently showing the news. I was vaguely aware that something terrible had happened, and I can remember seeing George Bush and Tony Blair making a lot of speeches together. Somewhere in my head I thought that whatever had happened, it was my fault.

At the time my babies were just 9 months and 18 months. I was cut off overnight from breastfeeding my little boy and I was away from them for 12 weeks. My husband Dorian did an amazing job of holding things together - out in the middle of nowhere in the Scottish Borders - where we then lived. He brought them to see me when possible but I suppose as I became a bit better I became more aware of the reality that I was a Mum who was physically and emotionally incapable of being one. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced.

This is a hard photo for me to look at, Christmas 2001, just out of hospital and struggling

Since then I have become a new creation. In 2005 I gave my life to God and was born again. I have written about my journey to God in earlier blogs. On September 25th 2015 I celebrate 10 years since my baptism in Selkirk swimming pool. My baptism verse is Jeremiah 29:11: 'For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.' I also love the next couple of verses: Jeremiah 29:12-13 'Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.' I have been walking with God for 10 years. I know I have a long way to go but looking back I have come so far. I was so lost, and have been found, I was in chains and have been set free. From being in a place where my 'bipolar' diagnosis dominated my life I praise God for how he has healed me.  I was a victim, then a survivor, now I am an overcomer, helping others. I know that God has an amazing plan for my life. I have to play my part, stay close to and be obedient to Him.

So 14 years since 9/11 - and there is a relevance in the fact that's two lots of 7 years - as 7 is an important number biblically - being the number of completeness both physically and spiritually. I'm not enough of a bible scholar to say much more than that. I do know that since 9/11 God has transformed my life. It's 7 years since I was last an inpatient in a psychiatric unit. And 7 years down the road from that I have set up and am helping run a ministry in my church which supports people going through mental health and emotional stuff. It's called 'Peace of Mind - sharing the journey'.

My marriage has survived - hard as it has been along the way - our kids have survived - and are growing into two fantastic young people. As I think of the thousands of people who lost their lives that awful day and pray for the families they left behind, I remember that time in a different way and my heart overflows with thankfulness to God,  for all He has done and continues to do in my life. 

Family picture summer 2014

Celebrating Dorian's 50th birthday September 2015